I woke up one morning with dreams fresh on my mind begging to be
written down and reached for a dream journal. There were a few within
hand's reach and it had been long enough since I had last written down
any dreams that I wasn't sure which one was the most current. One
came to hand which I flipped through, only to rediscover the account of
a tremendously healing and
powerful dream about my father coming to me about a year after his
passing.
This is two and a half years later. The challenges of fulfilling a
longtime 'project
of transcendence' -- you could say 'a calling', which is introduced
on this website but is really extravagantly meant to find its full
manifestation on wHeretwoworldsTouch.com
[/.org]. -- had really brought me to the brink of despair. It's
like the more I struggled to make this happen, the more violently I
seemed to push away the very possibilities for its fulfillment.
My consciousness
regressed into assuming I was struggling with this alone. Those
gloriously telling moments when I absolutely and experientially knew
otherwise just would not stick. Through lack of vigilance toward
making the continued effort to re-member, another way to say integrate,
this greater understanding, I continued to lapse into old neurochemical,
thinking/emotional patterns during this time of the 'sight-unseen-but-hold-that-vision!!'
stage of manifestation. Imagine!! --
considering all my life appears to be about the content you find on this
website, i.e., connecting with Spirit on an ongoing basis!! One
step forward, two back .. a head-over-heels mud bath, then another
slippery step forward ..
Anyway, in this state of brain-bog, it was getting so hard to bounce
back from the self doubt, and an old depression pattern basically took
over my life. I was beginning to feel more and more this was not
going to succeed, and it hurt so much, this being the 21st year
after the original seed planted that brought me to this work, which was
the passing of my brother and his best friend from this world in 1985. So this has been a deeply symbolic year. I was
totally hooked into the not-seeing/forgetting -- kind of like a bad-bad
drug trip, while, as it says in the Gospel
of Thomas, all about me was the glorious reality of 'the Kingdom'/Quingdom
-- this other-dimensional reality we are also immersed in -- where the
fulfillment of this work resides in all its imaginal glory!
I should note here, my
original felt interpretation of that dream was this:
"I will help you
with your work,"
which in my one-track mind
meant wHeretwoworldsTouch.
Except for a wonderful moment when, thanks
to an inheritance from my father, no less, I had been able to hire
others to build the infrastructure for the multi-web site, and except in
my evermore extravagant visioning of it, its progress kept getting slowed
or stymied by this and that and never really seemed to freely move into
fruition. I hesitated to ask for his help more and more, because I was
concerned he might have been enabled to move on to much greater things
by now and may feel pulled back. His saying 'from now on'
had totally escaped my memory. So
as my confidence and hope had continued to deteriorate, I felt a growing
need to release Dad from any sense of obligation about this so he could
go on.
Now, back to the dream:
That was the internal
soap-opera stew I had created and jumped into over my head,
and was down for the 3rd count, when I
rediscovered the original journal entry of this dream. In re-reading it,
I suddenly realized I had remembered it in a way that was not absolutely
what happened, and that difference was profoundly significant. Instead
of 'I will help you with your work', the dream entry quote was,
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"From now on,
I'll do whatever I can to help you."
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The fact I had morphed his actual words into 'I'll help you with your
work' shows just how totally I had come to identify with this website
project. So his saying 'I'll do whatever I can to help you --
FROM NOW ON'
never quite connected in the very personally loving way that it was
intended. In other words, as I have come to reinterpret
this, 'from now on' means for the remainder of this life, and not
just 'until your work takes off'.
And the other inference I had missed was, he meant not only with my
heart's greatest joy, this work, but with me and my life in all its
multifaceted being. Even if this is all about the website
project, which essentially has been my life for years now, 'from now on'
is still far different than first I thought! This new
understanding gave me the sense that he wants to help always in my life,
not just for however little or long it takes to get wHeretwoworldsTouch
up and running with all the other people it will take to run it properly
to succeed.
Here's the original dream:
C and somebody else were tracking down something
about my computer and fixed it. Dad was present too!
They literally followed the wires into another room and came
back and said it was fixed. C had some piece of all this
in his hands that could sit on the floor and he put it down
beside me with a bit of a bang -- just didn't set it down
carefully, and I said, 'Hey, don't bang up my computer!' I
was embarrassed for all the mess -- logs of wires on the floor
running everywhere.
Dad said, "From now on I'll do whatever I can to help
you."
Meaning, with my wHeretwoworldsTouch.com work [or
so I thought at the time I wrote this; rereading this the second
time gave me a much more expansive interpretation!]. I was really touched, almost to tears in the
dream. I put my arms around his neck and gave him a real
hug ... like we could never do in real life, and he hugged me
back with genuine affection and love, and told him how much I
appreciated this. We all relaxed and just visited a few
minutes. I really felt a sense of mutual forgiveness --
even beyond forgiveness -- a warm, caring mutual regard, an
astounding release from the past. In the dream I felt so
moved and, well, released! Like a whole new relationship
with Dad opened up. And support!
I woke so full of the reality of this dream, instantly
fully awake, holding my breath, feeling into sensing if I could
still feel his presence. Not in any strong way, but I did
feel the palpable sense that a door had opened between us and in
my life. He dressed and looked good like when he was maybe
in his early 50s or 60s and felt good.
What a
healing and wonderful dream!
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Vigilance and
continually renewed openness to Spirit -- it is so easy to forget or to
lose sight of the glorious gifting that comes through moments great and
small throughout our lives, such as meaningful dreams and epiphanies,
and the delight of synchronicities, as well as our natural strengths and
talents. I also got the uncanny feeling from this that both
interpretations were useful and appropriate to their time and
circumstances, suggestive of how important it is to continue working
with our EHEs, because we can continue to gain meaning and value from
them throughout our lives. Each fresh encounter with this dream
has been such a gift! [Thanks, Dad!!]
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