fragment from this morning
Dad was not
looking well. He had on
a pale yellow knit shirt like he used to enjoy wearing.
He was I think in bed and he literally looked a bit
fragmented or ragged around the edges of his flesh – face,
shoulders, hands. And
his face was an unhealthy slightly mottled red.
A doctor was telling me something about what was going on for
him – am not remembering what he said, but I woke up feeling at a
loss for Dad, sad; didn’t know what I could do.
(You need to know my father passed on a number of years ago.) There
are some who speak of a "second death" we
go through, in which remnants of the personality die or are left
behind. Maybe the dream meant these old parts of himself that
he no longer needs or has outgrown are dying, kind of like a cicada
stepping out of a calyx, the old skin like a sculpted molting of the
familiar form, into yet another dimensional existence.
And so perhaps he is leaving the limitations of that still
identifiable life behind to live in greater freedom.
But I hadn't seen any signs of the live being of light
moving beyond the old form into better things, similar to [usually
for most of us] when someone physically dies, and people may not see
or experience the soul or spirit leaving the body.
I told Dad
[today], I would continue to pray for him and that I would do
anything I could to help him. Maybe
the best I can do is see him FREE and truly himSELF in the highest
sense, being embraced by the Christ, whom he revered, and welcomed
into his true Home without this old stuff to weigh him down any
The timing of the
dream was interesting. It
was the morning of the celebration my loving coworkers created for me, in my leave-taking of my present job with the intention of
being freed and ready to pursue this years-long [Ahhh-TheLight /
wHeretwoworldsTouch] project, with the partnership of others still
not in sight. The
luncheon was wonderful, right under the arc of a rainbow that
stretches across the expanse of a large wall mural depicting the
stages of dying and moving into new life – it was so kind of them
to do this! Everyone
brought vegetarian dishes – I’m the only token vegetarian in the
lot! They gave me a
truly extraordinary gift – a blessing bowl! and a ritual suggested
for how to use the bowl that had carved on it the word BLESSING in
many languages and from a fabulous nonprofit place called "Ten Thousand
Villages." Such a
treasure – so sweet!
feel the Dad dream and my leave-taking are connected
Maybe Dad really
is going through something. But
this may [or may also] be symbolic of an old limited structure of
myself that is dying – or molting away – as I am born into the
New, the fullness of this Work yet to be fully undertaken with the
many others required to render it truly useful. Now and for the first time in my
life -- at last!! -- the opportunity to pursue the essential
partnership and collaboration stands before me unimpeded, that
which I’ve sought all these years to fulfill.
And yes, it feels a bit
fragmented, sad and uncertain around the edges.
sign of fulfillment
little later in the same day, I was crossing the parking lot
and just about to re-enter the building where
I worked. The sky was
bordering on spectacular. It
was early fall and mid-afternoon, and the blue depths above were interrupted
by a regiment of rag-tag storm clouds.
Over my head was a shrinking chasm of blue hedged in by two
dark gray behemoths outlined in dazzling sunbright.
They were shaped distinctly like the faces of two lovers
whose parted lips were slowly, steadily, at cloud speed, about
.. to ... meet – at last!! And
in such splendor! Awed, I stopped to witness this
serendipitous vision directly over my head!
No dolby stereo,
but that did not take away from the thrill one bit!
All in all, I’d say it’s been a great day!
Oh, and the fortune cookie from the night before sums up this day
We live at the edge of
the miraculous !
I thought I had finished this, and was reflecting on the sad
dream about dad, suddenly noticing the similarity in imagery:
Dad’s body looking “ragged .. around the edges” and the
storm clouds and their “rag-tag” display tearing across the sky,
and the incandescent image of two lovers meeting in a kiss – “at
And blam!! A
memory caught me in total startlement.
It was the very last moments of my mother’s life before she
peacefully left us, she who was clearly on this Earth to love, a
luminous, loving presence to all who knew her, and in our family, she
was the heart of what held us together.
I had been staying with her at night and on this beautiful
bright blue November morning a nurse merely stuck her head in,
looked at Mom all the way across the room, and said she was about to go.
All I could see was that she appeared to be resting quietly.
To this day I do not know how this person knew that
‘this was it.’
She had asked if she should call my Dad and brother,
and of course I said yes.
Leaning close to
whisper in her ear, I said, “Mom, if you can hold on a few
minutes, Dad and C will be here.”
She didn’t respond, but I felt she heard me.
They must have flown, I don’t think it took them 15 minutes
to get to the nursing home. I
was standing at the foot of Mom’s bed so they could be close to
And C walked over to one side, and Dad to the other.
Dad leaned down and kissed her just above her upper lip, and
my glorious Mother suddenly bolted fully upright in bed, eyes wide
open though unseeing, and with this startled and radiant smile of relief on her
face! Then immediately without saying a word, she laid back, shut her
eyes, and in less than three minutes, her breathing coasted to a
shattering stillness that profused the room with an invisible
Holiness, like the tangible lingering moment of LIVING SILENCE after
the last note of a truly magnificent symphony.
My father passed
17 months to the day after Mom did.
I often wondered if they were able to be reunited. It
has felt, and I confess I could be entirely making this up, but it
has felt that Dad was not able to be with her when he passed
over for sometime. This
is roughly five and a half years after Dad left us.
Who knows! But
suddenly I couldn’t help feeling they were sending me a message as
big as the sky, appropriate to cosmic reunions of transcendent love, that
they were finally together – at last!!
There is a
favorite picture of them
together in my home, and one day, like
someone will leave flowers at an altar, I put a single Hershey’s
Kiss in front of the picture in memory of that one last kiss before
she left. These several
years later, it’s still there.
That would answer also to the dream about Dad appearing to
leave the rag-tag of “old appearances” -- whatever had held him
back thus far -- behind. Just
as with death when we merely perceive the dying body, from the
dream, I felt very sad and uneasy for Dad.
And then later, not in the dream state, but in the lucid
state of daytime consciousness, I watched these two cosmic beloveds
share a kiss and laughed aloud for the grace of such a woww vision.
It was many hours later as you see my processing this, that
all this suddenly fell together in a rush.
And at a symbolic moment when I was myself journeying into
the Unknown, leaving my rent-check job to chase my dream across the
landscape of my remaining years on this planet.
With the precious memory and that light-limned sky smooch, full circle, of two re-unitings
of such JOY and
the blessing forces that decorated my day and filled my heart, things
are boding well, don’t you think?
* * * ~~~~~~~~~~~~~